Simon Lane

Attention: Simon is currently stuck in a tree, a dwarf rescue team is trying the best they can to free him from said tree. The rescue team has succeeded in saving Simon from the tree. Despite them losing many trucks in the glitchy tree, Simon has been freed. Unfortunately, he has been left too long and his beard has turned white and he is now insane.

Please contact your local Dwarf Line if you see him lose. Sources say he may be naked.

Simon Lane is a member of the Yogscast, and a good friend of Lewis Brindley. Simon once visited the Dalai Lama in Tibet, and kissed him full on the mouth. He was born as a result of a torrid union between a dwarven prostitute and Samuel Pepys in 1666 during the Great Fire of London. Simon is a budding songwriter, originally making covers of Parry Gripp songs (Shopping Penguin and Chimpanzee Riding on a Segway) but has now written a song of his own inspired by Parry Gripp called "Elephant Having A Wank". One of Simons most endearing songs is 'Diggy Diggy Hole', an instant hit with the Yognaughts, and wider circles within the music industry. These songs probably have a lot to do with the fact that Simon enjoys cute animals which is quite noticeable in the "Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!" video. Simon also has an extreme fondness for Jaffa Cakes. His minecraft talents are hunting pigs, riding pigs, talking to pigs, being a pig whisperer, having stare downs with pigs, forcing Lewis to rides pigs, eating pigs, burning pigs, burning trees, burning wool, burning the wooden floor of the Yogcave, burning other players, burning grass, burning Lewis, and burning himself, usually to death.

Simon is a world renowned strongman and sex icon, winning the World's Sexiest Man contest for over 9000 consecutive years, from "begining of time"-"1983." He also holds the record for "Most Women Banged in 5 minutes". His record is an outstanding 32, with Lewis close behind at 31.56

Simon works as a babysitter, and is owner and operator of Simon's Babysitting Company. He gets most of his work by abducting children using his white van with the word "sweets" scrawled on the van. He then has the children play Heroes of Newerth until their parents return to pick up their child. The only known child to be subject to this is a young girl named Simone, whose favorite character is the Valkyrie.

Simon is not currently playing World of Warcraft, but he was most recently playing Honeybeard, a level 85 Hunter.

Notable Quotes
This is a constantly evolving list of Simon's sayings and quirky running jokes.


 * "Im cooking some delicious ham."
 * "BLLLUUUUERRRGGG" (imitating throwing up)
 * "Lewis, I throw my sword at it."
 * "I POOSH﻿ BUTTAN!"
 * "A NETHER CHICKEN!
 * "Balls to it, Lewis. Balls to it."
 * "It's been a long day, I'm gonna turn in."
 * "The thing is..."
 * "Come on LET'S DO THIS!"
 * "That's a very nice everything you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it ."
 * "Hellooo..."
 * "The size... of a tangerine."
 * "COME 'ERE!" (Pronounced in a Northern English way; ie: "COOM EE-YER")
 * "You are literally worse than Hitler."
 * "We didn't burn anything!"
 * "I am a dwarf and im digging a hole! Diggy Diggy Hole! A dwarf digging a hooolee!"
 * "Ya bugger!"
 * "You're like the anti-King Midas. Everything you touch just turns to shit!"
 * "I'm not saying I did die, I'm saying I may have died."
 * "Ahhh! He's killing me, Lewis!"
 * "Why don't we just hack the game, give ourselves some TNT, and plonk it down!"
 * "Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!"
 * "A R S E is the best spell combo"
 * "For KHAZ MODAN!"
 * Oh no! Skellingtons!
 * "Smug Face... :3"
 * "WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!"
 * "I shot my bolt!"
 * "A lovely Jaffa..."
 * "Why! Oh God Why!" - most common statement at time of character death.
 * "SPAWN THE BABBY!"
 * "It's like the Batcave, only shit."
 * "Follow me! I'll lead the way!"
 * "Harry would never fucking do that! Oh Voldemort just kill him, just fucking kill him."
 * "FUCK OFF!"
 * "FUCK OFF, MR ASTLEY!"
 * "Oh God! I'm swimming in other people's feculence, Lewis!"
 * "SPLEEF!?"
 * "OOP! Shit!"
 * "I love the smell of A R S E in the morning"
 * "Come on! WTF Blizz!"
 * "Nooooooo!! Why would you do that?"
 * "I'm inside you. Lewis"
 * "What...THE HELL?!"
 * "Aaaah, this is scary! I want to play Portal 2!"
 * "Piggu, which is Japanese for pig."
 * "POOSH BOTAHN!"
 * "Lewis, we're going to save the world."
 * "No big deal."
 * "UGUUU"
 * "Achinga chonga, hinga gonga!"
 * "We don't like spiders!"
 * "That's a very nice everything you have there" (Said with a very creepy creeper voice)
 * i'm a dwarf and i'm digging a hole, DIGGY DIGGY HOLE, digging a hole!
 * "Maintenant, en trois deux !"
 * "LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURES !!!"
 * "LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS MUTHER FUUUUCKA !!"
 * "I put the heat on."
 * "LOOKS FUCKING SHIT!!."
 * "Oh Gods!"
 * "Stop whining and go bloody kill them..for christs sake"
 * "Uguuuuuu"
 * "Why would you do that?"

Solo Projects in Association with Yogscast
Simon has, on rare occasion, managed to hijack the BlueXephos channel on YouTube, enabling him to post content in which he is the central character. This content tends to be superficially innocent and light, but upon closer examination reveals a twisted, diabolical malevolance and passive agressive Machiavellian instinct that can only mean Simon's ultimate goal for the Yogscast is total world domination. These videos generally fall into two basic yet far reaching categories, which are: Simon Sings, and Simon Plays.

The Simon Plays (insert title here) series are simple Let's Play videos of various computer / console games, occasionally voiced in character, with a narrative thread roughly maintained throughout the video.

The Simon's Songs series of videos is a collection of brief musical interludes wherin Simon does his best vocal impersonation of a cat being used to clean a rug. These videos demonstrate Simon's mind at work, as he eventually arrives at the perfect understanding of the two key critical lyrical elements that have defined success for one of his favorite musical artists, Parry Grip, culminating in what is bound to be one of the top music videos of 2011, Elephant Having A Wank. The actual category the video will fall in to (best or worst of 2011) is still in doubt.

Conspiracy Theories
It has been said that Simon is a member of the secret society known as The 1956 Club and may or may not be a Jaffa Cake God.