Simon Lane

"See ya later, shitlords!"

Simon Charles [citation needed]  Lane (born March 1978) makes up 2/3 of the current Yogscast crew. He is often viewed as the trusty sidekick of Lewis due to Lewis' far superior intellectual capabilities. However a large number of fans consider him either equal to or more superior than Lewis. His parents have yet to be named, however, we do know that Simon's mother is a murderer and that she kills her victims with a frozen leg of lamb (not actually true). His IGN is usually Honeydew and he plays a dwarf in any situations where he can. Simon is a world renowned strongman, entertainer, astronaut and, of course, a budding musician. Some of Simons most endearing songs are 'Diggy Diggy Hole', an instant hit with the Yognaughts, 'An Elephant Having A Wank', which was a parody of a Parry Gripp song and 'Archer Hero'. Simon attended the University of Cardiff where he studied astro-physics, however he dropped out before obtaining his degree. For instance, in an episode of Yogtrailers, Simon told an embarrassing story about an event that happened during a lecture.

Simon enjoys cute animals which is quite noticeable in the "Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!" sound and Simon also has an extreme fondness for Jaffa Cakes. His Minecraft talents are hunting pigs, riding pigs, talking to pigs, being a pig whisperer, having stare downs with pigs, forcing Lewis to rides pigs, eating pigs, burning pigs, burning trees, burning wool, burning the wooden floor of the Yogcave, burning other players, burning grass, burning Lewis as well as (suprise, suprise) eating Jaffas. One of his main Minecraft hobbies is destroying things with TNT and/or a flint and steel. He has a trusty dog, called Ollie. In Minecraft he role plays as a ginger naked dwarf. Simon is not currently playing World of Warcraft, but he was most recently playing Honeybeard, a level 85 Hunter and Honeybear, a Pandaren monk.

Simon and Lewis began uploading videos to YouTube in July 2008. Their YouTube channel, BlueXephos, initially started out as a World of Warcraft "How-to" channel, in which they uploaded videos of their guild (Ye Olde Goone Squade) killing bosses, with commentary on how to beat said boss in the foreground. The first episode of the YogPod was released in February 2010 and was recorded during the snowy days of February which occured that year, thus, the first episode was named 'Snowcast'. Simon was infamous on the YogPod for his laid-back attitude towards his listeners, frequently telling stalkers like Rasmus Richter to "fuck off."

Simon is known to have arachnophobia. This has been seen in instances where him and Lewis have been attacked by spiders in Minecraft and he either lets out a shrieking scream or a shudder. In the final episode of Grimrock, while Lewis attempted to figure out a puzzle, a spider which Lewis had tricked earlier into falling down a pit had climbed up and managed to sneak attack Lewis, causing both of them to shriek in terror when the realistic mod attacked Lewis's character(s). That part of the video managed to make it to Yogscast Top 5.

Trivia

 * Simon is known to have an extremely ridiculous fondness for Jaffa Cakes, which he mentions in countless videos. His love for Jaffa Cakes, ultimately leads Lewis, Duncan, Sjin and Sips to assist him in building a Jaffa Cake Factory as the goal for their Tekkit series.
 * Simon's bedroom light got shot by Lewis with a connfetti gun on their 1 million subscriber celebration video *Simon's car was crushed some time during the early episodes of the YoGPoDs.
 * Inside Simon's bedroom, he has a cardboard cut out of Doctor Who character Amy Pond. Simon's relationship to Amy has been brought up on multiple occasions, notably when Simon goes to kiss Amy on New Year's Day, only for his headset to fall off.
 * Simon's obsession with Tina Barrett was revealed to have come from a pilot episode of the YoGPoD which was recorded prior to YoGPoD 1: Snowscast and has yet to be released to the public. This was brought up in the first few episodes of the YoGPoD and, despite being persuaded by Stayven of Ensidia on the Nordrassil Radio Interview, Lewis and Simon don't have plans to release the podcast any time soon.
 * In the early episodes of the YoGPoD it is revealed that Simon smoked. One particular occasion was when he was "half out the window having a fag", and Lewis was telling him the top 5 jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival for that year.
 * Joffo Cake is the name given to Jaffa Cakes by Simon when copyright may be possible.
 * Simon has once failed a course in astro-physics.
 * In YoGPoD 37- Hodor! Lewis says Simon owns a copy of Pokemon White for the Nintendo DS, but Hannah playes it more than he does.
 * His three favourite Pokémon are Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and "Charlizard" (Simon's mis-pronounced name for Charizard).
 * Simon's favourite ride at Disneyland is the frozen banana which he ate. Although it was just a confectionary item, it was also a journey of the mind and spirit.

Notable Quotes
This is a constantly evolving list of Simon's sayings and quirky running jokes.


 * "I'M THIRTY-TWO YEARS OLD".'
 * "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, PIGOOOO!!"
 * "FOLLOW ME! I'll LEAD THE WAY!"
 * "FOLLOW YOU! YOU'LL LEAD THE WAY!"
 * "Lewis, when there's blame, there's claim." (Talking about Yogcave ruins + Quoting insurance advert)
 * "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK?! AHHHHHHHHGGGG!"
 * "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! !NOOOOOOOOO!! WHY!!! WHYYYY!!!!! EVERYTHING IS POINTLESS NOW!!!!! NOO!!!!....." (When Bill was found dead in Left 4 Dead 2.)
 * "Ohhhh, mmmmm, ohh granny..."
 * "Your fishy goodness really hit the spot...."
 * "LAWL, ON THE TREE"
 * "FUCK ME! FUCK! LEWIS! CLOSE THE DOOR!"
 * "FACK OFF!
 * "Okay, Lewis, we don't want to upset her or falsely accuse her...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON YOU CRAZY BROAD!"
 * "Uguu~ ^_^"
 * "Simon... Away!"
 * "Careful now!"
 * "Good effort, good effort."
 * "Do you like bees?"
 * "I've seen bigger..."
 * "He'll own us, because we're incompetent."
 * "What the fuck? What the hell is this??...Oh it's just cloud"
 * "See ya later shit lord!"
 * "Get outta here ya bum!"
 * "Im cooking some delicious ham."
 * "Diggy diggy hole"
 * "I'm digging a hole"
 * /give honeydew 46 1
 * /give honeydew 64 1
 * "BLLLUUUUERRRGGG" (imitating throwing up)
 * "Lewis, I threw my sword at it."
 * "I POOSH﻿ BUTTAN!"
 * "I CAST SPELLLL!"
 * "A NETHER CHICKEN!"
 * "Thanks for the record, fuckface."
 * "Balls to it, Lewis. Balls to it."
 * "Balls to YOU!"
 * "It's been a long day, I'm gonna turn in."
 * "The thing is..."
 * "Come on LET'S DO THIS!"
 * "That's a very nice everything you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it ."
 * "Hellooo..."
 * "The size... of a tangerine ballsack."
 * "COME 'ERE!" (Pronounced in a Northern English way; ie: "COOM EE-YER")
 * "You are literally worse than Hitler."
 * "We didn't burn anything!"
 * "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole! Diggy Diggy Hole! I'm digging a hooolee!"
 * "I am a dwarf and I'm having a sleep! Sleepy Sleepy Dwarf!"
 * "I am a house and I'm floating in air! Floaty floaty house!"
 * "Ya bugger!"
 * "You're like the anti-King Midas. Everything you touch just turns to shit!"
 * "I'm not saying I did die, I'm saying I may have died."
 * "Ahhh! He's killing me, Lewis!"
 * "Why don't we just hack the game, give ourselves some TNT, and plonk it down!"
 * "Aaaaaaaaaaaaw!"
 * "A R S E is the best spell combo" (During Magicka gameplay)
 * "For KHAZ MODAN!"
 * "Oh no! Skellingtons!"
 * "I am strong! Like MOOSE!"
 * "Smug Face... :3"
 * "WE DIDN'T BURN HIM WE JUST HELPED HIM WITH TNT!"
 * "I shot my bolt!"
 * "A lovely Jaffa cake..."
 * "Why! Oh God Why!" - most common statement at time of character death.
 * "SPAWN THE BABBY!"
 * "It's like the Batcave, only shit." (Upon inspecting the Yogcave)
 * "Harry would never fucking do that! Oh Voldemort just fucking kill him, just fucking kill him!"
 * "FUCK ME, MR ASTLEY!"
 * "Oh God! I'm swimming in other people's feculence, Lewis!"
 * "SPLEEF!?"
 * "OOP! Shit!"
 * "I love the smell of A R S E in the morning"
 * "Come on! WTF Blizz!"
 * "Nooooooo!! Why would you do that?"
 * "What...THE HELL?!"
 * "Aaaah, this is scary! I want to play Portal 2!"
 * "Pigu is Japanese for pig"
 * "So many spiders!"
 * "Lewis, we're going to save the world."
 * "No big deal."
 * "Achinga chonga, hinga gonga!"
 * "We don't like spiders!"
 * (Lewis)"For every tree we burn down we're gonna plant 2 more" (Simon)"Yeah, yeah yeah yeah and then we're gonna burn those fuckers too"
 * "Maintenant, en trois deux !"
 * "LEEEEEE-eeee-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWIS !!!"
 * "I put the heating on." (sets the Yogcave wooden floor on fire)
 * "LOOKS FUCKING SHIT!!"
 * "Oh Gods!"
 * "Stop whining and go bloody kill them..for christs sake".
 * "Why would you do that?"
 * "See you later, shitlords!"
 * "Fucking hells bells!"
 * "SCRAMBLED!" (in the voice of Brian Blessed)
 * "Do I not look dapper in my rabbit hat?"
 * "Aha! Green green green, white green green, white green white, green green green, greeny white greeny green green arse green white pe’er green…arse."
 * Richard Dawkins. Deal with it, motherfucker. *Whack!*
 * "JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"
 * "He's like a timelord, but he's a skylord. I'd rather have a tardis to be honest"
 * "So we're on a tour.... hah, He stops here and says 'This is Old_Pecuilar's burnt down house.'. "
 * "ZZzzzZZZ mmmm Tina Barret ZZZ zZZZ zz OOOh Tina yes! Another Jaffa Cake would be lovely!"
 * "WE DIDN'T BURN HIM!!!"
 * They're coming from the ceilling, THEY ARE COMING FROM EVERYWHERE!!!"
 * "Winter's coming, and so am I, Uggh"
 * "I'm coming washing mashine, I'm FUCKING COMING...FOR FUCK SAKE!"
 * (Upon encountering a creeper whilst on a ladder) "OH SHIT! Get back down, get back down, GET BACK DOWN NOW!"
 * "I was just satting around."
 * "Get back in the FUCKING cupboard under the stairs, Simon Junior!"
 * "I don't know how to say this without giving away what I might be up too but, I'm having trouble planting TNT"
 * "Now, people say, which is the better game? Torchlight 2 or Diablo III, and I say, there is no better game they both own and if you think otherwise you're fucking crazy."
 * "Take that you rotter!"
 * [Simon - on Dwarf anatomy] "Dwarves, their willies are in their beards and their brains are in their bum."
 * "Yeah, I've got no fucking idea as well, love."
 * They're coming out of the walls! THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE GOD DAMN WALLS!!!!!
 * HAT BOOOOOOOOOY!!!!!!
 * "WHERE IS DRUGS?"
 * "Come on in!! You want some punch?"
 * "Do I look like a fucking goblin!" (Whilst playing Magicka with Lewis and TotalBiscuit).
 * "No Hannah the Geckos are cute."(The first Fallout New Vegas video when talking to Hannah)
 * When I grow up, I want to be a potato!
 * "Make money, fuck bitches, smoke trees. Wisdom."
 * "Come get me you motherless beasts! That's just getting cocky, isn't it?"
 * You're just a chick magnet, aren't you?
 * They can't be killed! We need to destroy the Horcruxes first!
 * "R.I.P. Yogcave. Never Forget"
 * "Old Woman! I demand your finest bacon!"
 * "Precious dirt"
 * "Lewis, we are going to save the world"
 * "EiffelTower!
 * "Oop"
 * "AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"
 * "Sjin banged his shin?"
 * "Thats all very interesting Lewis but I think i've just been violated by a bird... A teacher... A bird teacher, just violated me... He took my innocence!"
 * "Roses are red / Violets are blue / Just like a hole / I really dig you :D"
 * "I'm the most qualified person by failing an astrophysics degree... This is not a﻿ good situation"
 * (singing) LAR LAR LAR! OFF I GO TO FIND THE TREASURE!"
 * "Hello! I'm a sorting hat! You're in Hufflepuff! LOL." 'But I wanted to be in Gryffindor, Stupefy, Stupefy!!' (Simon's visit to Disney)

Special Notes on Special Quotes
-"Some men just want to watch the world burn." Simon has repeatedly used this quote numerous times upon seeing or causing devestation with the use of items that can be lit, shot, etc, causing mass chaos and general mayhem. Most notable is his trademark use of the flint and steel to light up TNT. It can be noted that in Sjin's/Duncan's episode Tekkit- War/ Tekkit with Duncan- Part 34- Showdown, in about eight/seven and a half minutes in the episode, if you pay attention to the chat going on you will notice Maide will say "Some people just want to watch the world burn." A variant or possibly the original quote from Simon. In the Snapshot 12w34a episode Part III Simon repeats the infamous quote, then says "Some DWARVES just want to watch the world burn." due to the fact that he caused a wildfire.

 "...; citation needed" Simon often uses this phrase when refuring to things that he thinks are true, but the general public and indeed the legal system may not.

"It's like a whole new game." Simon often says this quote when a small update occurs, causing him to use this in sarcasm due to the fact (if you still don't get it by now) that the update did little to improve Minecraft as a whole. He also does this when a update occurs that was from a older version of Minecraft, causing his already heavy sarcastic voice to climb up higher volumes and ooze sarcasm. Said ooze is nonexistent.

-"They dug too deep Lewis, they dug too deep!" A famous saying from Simon, caused from a part of the the adventure map of Professor Grizwald, in which dwarves are said to have been killed by the fact that they dug far too deep, and as they say, curiosity killed the cat. Fortunately, satisfaction brought it back, and Simon and Lewis were able to save the day and save... the chinamen villagers and Professor Grizwald. In episode 4 of Rythian's Tekkit Adventure series, a series that is a sub plot to the current Tekkit series, Zoey put down a sign stating this quote, and also adding "I have awakened." This could be debated as she being a admirer of Honeydew. More recently, the phrase has been mentioned in the Tekkit series on BlueXephos, where Simon often exclaimes "We dug too deep, Lewis! When will we ever learn!". Originally this quote is from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

Solo Projects in Association with Yogscast
Simon has, on rare occasion, managed to hijack the BlueXephos channel on YouTube, enabling him to post content in which he is the central character. This content tends to be superficially innocent and light, but upon closer examination reveals a twisted, diabolical malevolance and passive agressive Machiavellian instinct that can only mean Simon's ultimate goal for the Yogscast is total world domination. These videos generally fall into two basic yet far reaching categories, which are: Simon Sings, and Simon Plays... Oh, and let's not forget that "Pooping Butt" video...

The Simon Plays (insert game here) series are simple Let's Play videos of various computer / console games such as Portal 2; occasionally voiced in character, with a narrative thread roughly maintained throughout the video.

The Simon's Songs series of videos is a collection of brief musical interludes wherin Simon does his best vocal impersonation of a cat being used to clean a rug. These videos demonstrate Simon's mind at work, as he eventually arrives at the perfect understanding of the two key critical lyrical elements that have defined success for one of his favorite musical artists, Parry Grip, culminating in what is bound to be one of the top music videos of 2011, Elephant Having A Wank. The actual category the video will fall in to (best or worst of 2011) is still in doubt.

Conspiracy Theories
It has been said that Simon is a member of the secret society known as The 1956 Club and may or may not be a Jaffa Cake God.